What Had He Done?
by ChibiRaccoon
Summary: Spoilers for Chapters 1000-10007. Short One-shot. Shinichi's thoughts on the consequences of his actions. ShinichixRan.


_Title: What had he done?_

 _Pairing: ShinichixRan_

 _Disclaimer: Detective Conan belongs to Gosho Aoyama._

 _Spoilers up to Chapters 1000-1007._

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 _What had He Done?_

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How had it come to this?

Not that I'm complaining... I've been waiting for a chance like this for a long time but...

With everything that's happened...

...Perhaps I'm not as strong as I thought I was...

Haibara doesn't know, doesn't realize, that her words are a constant in my mind. I know she questions my intelligence, not that she doesn't trust me, I'm aware of how much she respects my abilities. But she knows that when the situation calls for me to act on my emotions, in regards to Ran especially, I tend to lose focus. I used to wave off her concerns, being irritated with the superior way she'd let those words hang over my head. Yet now... as I'm looking at how far I've come I've started to wonder if maybe... just maybe... she's been right to worry this whole time.

 _'Anything that gets caught in their way they destroy. Do you understand? No one can figure out who you are.'_

 _'...She'll be waiting in vain... You'll only end up hurting her...'_

I never meant to confess then. Not that it wasn't a perfect venue for such a thing, I am who I am after all. And yet... As I look back I realize that my confessing then may have been less about _her_ and perhaps more about _me_.

London. The birthplace of Sherlock Holmes. The man who inspired me so much since I was very young. He was one of the most influential reasons for my wanting to be a detective. I can't lie that a part of me was glad to have had the chance to confess my feelings there.

 _'You'll only hurt her more...'_

I could have let her run off. I didn't have to chase her, to tell her how much I cared. It's just that... in that moment... Seeing how horrible I was making her feel, all those tears and hearing her words...! It was as much of a confession as Shinichi was going to get. She believed that her best friend didn't care, that he was playing her for a fool, that she was _wasting_ her feelings. Well... Something in me responded to that. I'd done so much harm over the last year, taking all the good and bad that had come my way but even I had a limit to how much pain I could throw at someone, at her, and I reached it then. I wasn't going to break her heart then, not when she was baring it out for me to see and rushing off to secret it back up. If I didn't pursue her then I knew what she would do. She would wait until enough time had passed and then attempt to write it off as nothing. A part of her would always be even more hesitant than ever to show me how she felt. I couldn't let that happen. No matter what the future holds I refuse to let us go back to the way we were before my first run-in with the Black Organization. I can't do it. I'm not going to go back to pretending that she doesn't mean so much to me.

So I reacted.

And a part of me recognized that my being back in my real body, however brief it would be, and being presented such an opportunity... Rational thought had been left in a crumpling heap in that London phone box. I couldn't have been more selfish.

It was me that had told Haibara, 'I don't ever want to make her cry again, even if that means cutting Kudo Shinichi out her life.'

Yet here I was, instead of giving her reasons to let go I'm constantly thrusting hopes and promises her way that keep her holding on tighter than ever. I'm starting to realize that no matter what I may claim... I'm not strong enough. I just can't lose her. Not so long as Shinichi remains in her heart, I can't be the one to remove him.

I want...I need her too much.

Because as long as she still believes... Kudo Shinichi will always be real and not just someone who disappeared to the dark intentions of the criminal scum infesting the world.

I know Haibara doesn't approve. And why should she? She's looking at the bigger picture, placing everyones lives over everything else. She's being the better person, the brave one while I...

While I stand here, all three feet tall, keeping seventeen year old Shinichi alive behind a bow-tie and cellphone.

There's so much I could have done and could be doing differently, as Haibara has made mention of in the past. She doesn't understand. As Miyano Shiho she no longer had any reason to hold on, to care. She took the Apotoxin willingly. I didn't. Kudo Shinichi still had so much to live for and first and foremost was Ran. No one knows... No one realizes just how much she means to me. 'Childhood friends' only scratches the surface. She's a friend, an ally of unwavering faith, a reminder of simpler times as well as a prominent figure in my future imaginings. There isn't much that I desire in my life. The pursuit of truth is my way of life but Ran...

She's the one thing in this world I've ever wanted for myself and solely for myself. Solving mysteries, being the one to bring wrongdoers to justice really does make me happy, but it also serves as a way to help others, to give people the truth that may have otherwise been buried beneath lies and deception. I do it as much for others as I do myself and that's very important to me.

But Ran is for me. No other reasoning behind it. I just want to keep her smile, her warmth, that beautiful and kind heart that captured mine so long ago. I wanted her for myself.

That's why I keep doing what I do. Small gestures to show her that in my own way I care. Phone calls to keep hope alive. Lies that would guarantee concern as well as a certain measure of safety. I know that letting her go would have been best. Her life means more than my feelings.

Call me arrogant.

Despite what I know would be best...I can't do it. I _have_ to believe in my abilities. I have to believe that I can do everything I have to do, keep her close, and keep her safe. That all of that is within my power.

That's how much I need her.

Now I'm being even more selfish than before, threatening everything that we've worked for.

She had seemed content. From the moment I had shown up as Kudo Shinichi for our school trip she had been thrilled if not a tad hesitant. Far more affectionate than ever, holding onto me, grabbing my hand to pull me along, and speaking so casually that it was almost as if we had never been apart. She was content, happy. I could have left it there, just kept the status quo. Let us go on a bit longer skirting the issue.

I was the one who pushed.

I was the one selfishly seeking more when I had no right to want. I wasn't thinking consequences. I wasn't thinking much at all then. I just wanted.

Asking her for a response may not have been the best idea but I was done treating her the way Conan would. It was Shinichi that had taken control in London and it was Shinichi that was pulling her aside to demand an answer because dammit I had to _know_...!

 _'How do you feel about me...'_

 _'I confessed to you in London... You didn't forget that did you?'_

Kudo Shinichi had never been happier.

However now that Edogawa Conan has reappeared and high school detective Shinichi is back on a case thoughts of what the future holds are flooding my mind.

I didn't have to pursue a relationship with Ran. She had already promised to wait for me. I shouldn't have complicated things further. I was an intelligent man making a stupid decision.

Now I'm sitting here looking at all the posts online of Kudo Shinichi's reemergence in Kyoto, the thoughts and the warnings of the Black Organization invading my mind and I can't stop myself from seeing the horrific images that usually accompany any dealings with the mysterious group.

And for the first time I wonder if I might be too weak to protect what matters most to me.

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Owari

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Soooo. Yeah. Who else just about died when they read Chapters 1000-1007? I felt like my heart stopped working. I was that happy. I do have to say though, the fact that someone posted online that Kudo Shinichi was back, with photographic proof no less! That terrified me. Completely. No matter what happens from here on out, Shinichi is going to have to work harder and be sneakier than ever before. It feels like the manga is really reaching a peak and I'm looking forward to see what happens from here on out!

Thanks for reading!


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